The New Jersey Movie Reviews you'll only find on metrojersey.com:

The Flixter

"Read About The Flixter"

Read About The Flixter's Unique Rating System Here.

______________________________________________

PIRANHA 3D
a la The Flixter

        Lake Havasu is a sleepy little town in Arizona. That is until Spring Break hits and throngs of horny folks descend on this town and the population doubles or triples in a matter of days. The town's female sheriff is used to handling the wild partiers. But this time there is a little extra in the mix. A sleazy film maker is there to film one of those Girls Gone Wild type movies.  But just as the wildness is about to hit, an underwater tremor hits the lake... not just any underground tremor. This one unleashes a bunch of prehistoric piranhas. That's those nasty little fish that happen to be flesh eating. Miniature shark type creatures that have a mean appetite and equally mean attitude.

       The first victim is a lone fisherman who is happy to catch a little fish. And then the fish catch him. By the way, that fisherman is played by Richard Dreyfuss in what I thought was an unbilled cameo. But he gets top billing in the end credits. Anyway, you have the authorities in town trying to get a hold of the situation that they have been handed. Throngs of party-goers and throngs of nasty piranhas. Not a good combo.

      The always cool Ving Rhames is one of the lawmakers trying to assist Elisabeth Shue's sheriff. Jerry O'Connell is the film maker whose only concern is his sleazy art. Let me just say that you have probably never seen this much of the 2 B's in 3D. The 2 B's being boobs and blood. Yes, the movie is gory as hell. Remember that these are piranhas and not goldfish... and not just any piranha. We are talking ugly, nasty, prehistoric piranhas. Yes, I am a little sick for enjoying the misery of those poor Spring Breakers. Director Alexandre Aja does a fine job. In my opinion, he creates a better 3D experience than James Cameron's Avatar. By the way, here's a little bit of info from my vault of cinema knowledge. This is a remake of an older movie which was followed by a sequel. In the sequel, the piranha could fly. And guess who directed that one? Yes, James Cameron.  

RATING :  FOUR STARS

_____________________________________________________

THE EXPENDABLES
a la The Flixter

        Here's a movie that almost didn't happen. Someone (don't know who since they didn't leave a number) had rear-ended my parked car and the thing was in the shop for repairs. Good thing Chich (remember him? the big Bruce Willis fan) works there. So I was constantly harassing him (sorry) to get it done before my Friday night movie-going ritual. Thank God he came through and I was able to go see this reunion of 80's action icons. And when I say reunion, I mean reunion.

       Everybody's here. Okay, there's no Seagal or Van Damme but the rest are here. Even Schwarzenegger took some time off from his gubernatorial job to make a cameo for a few minutes. Yes, the radio commercial keep giving him top billing but the guy is in this for just a few minutes. And those few minutes when he is there with Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone provide the movie's biggest laughs. Yes, Willis is in it for a couple of minutes longer but its Stallone's movie which he also directs. Oh yes, what is this movie about?

      Stallone is part of a band of mercenaries that includes (are you ready) Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Jet Li. Their mission is to infiltrate a small Central American country and take out its dictator. So actiony stuff happens and everything in sight gets blown up. Of course they succeed. But my question is if it was worth it? The mission, I mean. Like I said, everything gets blown up. So the dictator gets taken out but after all the mayhem, there isn't much left of the small nation. But that is not the point. The point is to see if these old timers can still deliver.

      Yes, Stallone still has it. But what is it? The snarling and barely comprehensible delivery of dialogue. And the bad ass attitude that made him an action icon back in the day. Yes, Rambo at 60 (I am guessing his age) [*editors note: Stallone is 64 years old] is still someone you don't want to mess with. There's action but the movie is also funny as the players don't forget their shortcomings. There's Stallone's age and Li's small size. Also present are Mickey Rourke as an ally and Eric Roberts as a CIA man on the wrong side.

     So how was it? Pretty cool. An old fashioned action movie that will stay in your mind from the time you get out of your seat but be gone by the time you get settled in your car (which, hopefully, someone hasn't hit while you were watching the movie). 

RATING :  FOUR STARS

_____________________________________________________

The Other Guys
a la The Flixter

        And now we get a spoof of those cop movies where the two partners just can't stand each other but learn that they can't do without the other. Here the mismatched duo is played by Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Both want to be heroes but both have different ways of approaching it. Wahlberg wants to do it the cop way. Go out, find some action, and enter with guns blazing. Ferrell wants to do it from behind the desk, i.e. find some violations with building codes and summon the offenders. But the PD is in awe of its stars, played in brief cameos by Samuel Jackson and Dwayne Johnson who get all the action. So much so that it ends up killing them.

      That leads to a hilarious funeral where a fist fight breaks out and proceeds in complete silence to show respect for the occasion. But it gives Ferrell and Wahlberg a chance to shine. In accordance with the current financial scandals, their big case involves a corrupt bank and its heads. But, honestly, that is about all I can say about that. Can't recall the details, I just know about the hilarity that ensues.

      Will Ferrell does his usual goofball stuff while Wahlberg is the serous one. But even in that seriousness, he manages to be funny. Like when he goes to Ferrell's house for dinner and can't believe that the goofy geek is married to a hottie like Eva Mendes. And also around is Michael Keaton as the police captain. I can't even remember the last time I saw him in a movie. What I couldn't understand was how everyone I talked to about the movie said that they couldn't stand Will Ferrell. I won't say that I am a huge fan but I think the guy's got the goods.

      So how was this movie? Hilarious. Yes, there are some stupid parts but, overall, it was well worth the money..

RATING :  FOUR STARS

_____________________________________________________

SALT
a la The Flixter

        Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie) has been through a lot. Has she? Well, I am not too sure but being captured by North Koreans and getting tortured counts as a lot in my book. Two years after that ordeal, she is married and settled down. But she does work for the CIA, and that can always complicate things... and then a Russian defector shows up. He is willing to name some names. Names of people that are actually moles in the Agency. First name happens to be Evelyn Salt.

       Not good. At least for Salt. Of course, she does what is always the best thing to do in such situations. Proving your innocence by making a run for it and breaking as many laws as are necessary to do so. So she bolts. By the way, the defector also reveals that Salt's mission is to kill a visiting Russian diplomat. Only her boss, played by Liev Schreiber, stands by her. Or does he? Could there be some ulterior motives? This being an espionage/spy type movie, I will let you guess. Anyway, that is the gist of the happenings.

       Now for the verdicts. Yes, Jolie delivers a pretty intense and athletic performance. Haven't seen an actress do this much running since Run Lola Run. And yes, there is plenty of action. Salt even pulls a MacGyver by using whatever is at hand to make weapons. Yet the movie still manages to be boring. Sometimes, a motion picture needs to use a little less motion. A good movie that just turns out to be okay.

RATING :  TWO STARS

_____________________________________________________

DESPICABLE ME
a la The Flixter

        Poor Gru (Steve Carell). He was once the world's meanest villain. Now he is desperately trying to regain that spot. But how can he pull off something fiendish enough to put him back on top? An idea comes to his mind when someone starts stealing monuments, like the pyramids, from around the globe. So he has to top those thefts. How? He is going to steal the moon. How? There is an incredible shrinking ray that is going to do the job. He will fly to the moon, shrink the moon, and bring it back. The only problem is that the ray is in the possession of another villain.

      Vector (Jason Segel) has his own plans for the ray and Gru is not going to ruin those plans. The problem is getting to that ray since Vector has a pretty fortified lair. Meanwhile, three adorable girls are waiting, at an orphanage, for someone to adopt them. And their lives collide with Gru. Gru's master plan is to adopt those girls and have them get into Vector's lair as girl scouts selling cookies... Just that those cookies will actually be robots controlled by Gru and his minions. But you know that those girls will bring out the soft side of the "evil" Gru. Yes, that happens and Gru ends up becoming so attached to those girls that he has to think about rescheduling stealing the moon since that day also happens to be the day that the girl's are having their ballet.

     Does this whole premise sound ridiculous? Maybe. But you have to remember that this is a cartoon (or animated motion picture). So there are no restraints. Anyway, this thing was absolutely hilarious. Yes, I laughed out loud and had an absolutely great time. Steve Carell does a great job with his Russian accented Gru. And everyone else involved is equally brilliant. Yes, even evil super villains can have a soft spot. Loved it...

RATING :  FIVE STARS

_____________________________________________________

THE KARATE KID
a la The Flixter

        The good news is that Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) doesn't have to see his mom lose her job in these tough economic times. The bad news is that his mom (Taraji P. Henson) gets a job transfer instead. And its a job transfer to the other side of the world - Beijing to be exact. So mom and son make the move and start to settle into their new surroundings. But its not easy, especially for Dre. Hey, I would be upset too if I had to watch one of my favorite shows, Spongebob Squarepants, in Chinese.

        Anyway, a lot has changed but one thing that stays the same is the presence of bullies. And the bullying has been upgraded since these bullies know martial arts... Kung Fu, to be exact. After a few brutal beatings, Dre gets the attention of the apartment buildings super, a solitary Mr. Han (Jackie Chan). After a little coaxing, Mr. Han starts teaching Kung Fu. Even though, at first his instructing he frustrates Dre whose training basically consists of hanging up his jacket. Instead of the original's "wax on, wax off," there's "hang up jacket, take off jacket, drop jacket on floor, pick up jacket." But like Mr. Han say's, "everything is Kung Fu."

        Eventually the real training begins and Dre even gets enrolled in a kung fu tournament where he is destined to confront the head bully. There's even a young girl that catches Dre's eye and becomes a friend who, despite her father's objection, will be at the tournament to see the battles. Yes, the movie is called Karate Kid but so far, all I have mentioned is Kung Fu. Should the movie have been titled The Kung Fu Kid? I don't feel there's a need since the themes of the original movie are what make this movie. Yes, I know some people who were being really anal about the movie's title (yeah, you Leo). But its the content that mattered to me.

         Yes, I am a huge Jackie Chan fan and I wouldn't have given a damn either way. But its not just Chan who delivers. Its more about Jaden Smith, who truly delivers on the promise he showed alongside his father, Will Smith, in The Pursuit of Happyness. I even took my mom to see this movie since she has also become a Jackie Chan fan thanks to my dedication to the star. And she also thinks that Jaden is so adorable. Anyway, the movie was absolutely great. Is there any doubt about what the outcome of the tournament is going to be? No. Does it matter when you are having such a great time getting there? No. Yes, this was an absolutely great time. Thank God, since I needed that to wash away the sourness that was left from the previous night's movie going experience. A certain atrocity titled The A Team which I don't feel like reviewing in detail. Just that it made me hugely disappointed with one of my favorite thespians, Liam Neeson. But I apologize. This review is for The Karate Kid. Loved it. Yes, it may be a little long at two and a half hours, but its two and a half hours that will fly by watching this charmer. Great job Mr. Chan and Mr. Smith.

RATING :  FIVE STARS

_____________________________________________________

PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME
a la The Flixter

        Here's another one that caused flashbacks. Flashbacks to a time when Sir Ben Kingsley was an Oscar winning thespian and seemed like he had earned that "Sir" in his name... And flashbacks to a time when Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer could be relied on to deliver movies that were shallower than a rain puddle in the desert but delivered some noisy escapist fun that was worthy of the money you had just spent at the ticket counter... And flashbacks to a time when Mike Newell would direct some low budget charmer like Four Weddings and a Funeral... But, most of all, flashbacks to a time when Hollywood wasn't so desperate that it would turn to a video game for inspiration. I think that what I have just said has probably foreshadowed my verdict on this catastrophe. But here's a few more details.

       Jake Gyllenhaal is the grown up orphan who was taken in by the Persian king in a spontaneous and unexplainable act. Buff and grown up, he joins the king's forces as they raid some ancient city. The hottie princess (Gemma Arterton) of that city had a precious dagger stolen from her. That dagger can control time. Ben Kingsley is the bad guy who actually killed the Persian king. So the chase is on, as Gyllenhaal's Dastan teams up with Princess Tamina and chases after the dagger while flirting with the princess. To add some current relevance to the plot line, the reason behind the city being raided is a rumor of them manufacturing some weapons that may result in mass destruction. Yes, some ancient WMDs. Yeah, something like that. Like I said, its based on a video game. And it pretty much sucks. After all that I said in the beginning, what did you expect me to say........

RATING :  ZERO STARS

_____________________________________________________

Iron Man 2
a la The Flixter

        I have a confession to make. Even though my head is full of trivial (you may say) knowledge of the cinema, I forget a lot of stuff regarding what I may have recently seen. Like the names of the actors or what the character names may be... So I always keep a paper from the opening day handy. Just something to turn to in case I draw a blank. Don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean that a movie I am forgetting wasn't good. I will remember that I enjoyed it. I just won't remember the specifics. So what would a review look like without the references? Well read on and find out because I am going into this one blind.

       Billionaire (or is it multi millionaire?) Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) has come forth to reveal that he is indeed Iron Man. He is the man in the suit who has been fighting crime. Of course, the US Army wants a piece of the secrets behind the suit. So maybe getting this celebrity status wasn't such a good idea, since a Russian with a vengeance can come to get Stark when he is not in his superhero element. That Russian would be Mickey Rourke's Ivan something or other. Hey, I told you that I am not going to look up names and stuff. Just what remains from the experience.  So Ivan has his own agenda complete with some lightning whips that he has generated thanks to his late father's knowledge in that department. By the way, he also holds Stark responsible for his father's demise. So that sets up the action part of the movie.

    Gwyneth Paltrow is back as Stark's loyal assistant along with a new cohort in the form of Scarlett Johansen. She also happens to be a pretty bad ass fighter who becomes an Iron Man ally in the fight. So those are the details that are with me from five nights ago. Now for the judgment.

     The movie was absolutely awesome. You will get more than enough bang for your buck. There is action spectacle galore as the battle goes on and not much is left in its entirety. And one of Stark's competitors in the arms manufacturing industry steps in to put his support behind Ivan. Don Cheadle is there as another Iron Man ally as well as Samuel Jackson. I think you get the picture. Lots of great actors and lots of great action. The summer movie season has kicked off...

RATING :  FIVE STARS

_____________________________________________________

Kick-Ass
a la The Flixter

        Here is another typical high school loser. Aaron Johnson's geek isn't just a loser. He is invisible to a female crush and manages to get mugged outside the school environment where he is constantly bullied. But enough is enough. So along comes a solution that is quite atypical. He orders himself a scuba suit online, throws it on, and becomes Kick-Ass, a crime fighting superhero without the superpowers. His first outing as Kick-Ass finds him facing off against some would be muggers. Well, let's just say that he doesn't kick much ass. But his freshman outing does get the interest of a nearby crowd, many of whom catch the heroically intended actions on their phones.   The baddies, questioning the sanity of this crazily dressed and similarly acting arrival, leave the would be victim and a hero is born.

       The videos are posted online and notoriety is attained as the news media also starts to find ways of unmasking this hero. If anything, the freshman antics are an inspiration. An inspiration for other wannabe superheroes. And this brings Big Daddy and Hit Girl into the picture. Those would be the father-daughter team of Nicolas Cage and Chloe Grace Moretz. Just like Kick-Ass, those two also lack any superpowers. But what they do have is an impressive arsenal that even includes a bazooka. Hit Girl may be eleven or twelve years old, but what she does have is a kick butt attitude, a proficiently profane vocabulary, and an expertise with the weaponry that her dad provides.

      Well, if ordinary beings can act as superheroes then why can't there be ordinary folk with the opposite intentions? Which brings along Red Mist, the not so good alter ego of Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He is the son of a mobster who can't wait to start helping out his father. Until then, he decides to go after Kick-Ass and find out his true identity. And that pretty much sets up the grounds for a movie whose ridiculous sounding premise is reflected by its similarly ridiculous title.

     Well, sometimes it helps to go against what your mature instincts may suggest. Because if I hadn't done so, I would have missed the best time I have had at the movies in a long time. Yes, the movie was an absolute ball. Loved everything about it. From the very appropriate cast down to the over the top staging. Yes, everything is pretty over the top. Meaning that it is very gory, very profane, and very funny. Because I doubt that you will ever get to see kids acting this way again. At least not for a while. Loved it. .

RATING :  FIVE STARS

_____________________________________________________

The Bounty Hunter
a la The Flixter

        And here's a movie that made me think of my seating choice at the movies. I always like to sit in the back where there's only the wall behind me and not other movie goers who keep hitting the back of my seat. But let me talk about the movie first.

      Jennifer Anniston plays Daily News reporter Nicole Hurley who is so close to revealing a case of police corruption. And then there's a minor traffic accident which results in a warrant for her arrest. The bounty hunter who gets her case and is ordered to bring her in happens to be her ex-husband. Milo (Gerard Butler) grabs the chance to bring in his bitter ex. And the chase is on since she is dedicated to finishing her story. They fight, they bicker, and she tries to tell him about how big the story is... He doesn't care. He is holding on to her so he can get paid on the delivery he is bent on making.

     There are plenty of instances that would have resulted in spousal abuse charges if the two were still married. And the people who are trying to stop her from getting to the truth, step in and Milo begins to see the seriousness of the situation his ex has gotten herself into. In case you didn't know, this is supposed to be a romantic comedy. So you know that when all is happening, the couple are also bound to fall back in love. Did I just say that it is supposed to be a romantic comedy? Yes, meaning that it is supposed to convey the merging of those two genres. Well, it doesn't.

     There isn't much chemistry between the two leads to fulfill the romantic end. And the comedy end brings up the choice of seating I brought up earlier. I didn't laugh once. But I could hear some people up front laughing heartily on quite a few occasions. Could it be that I was sitting too far back? --- That, maybe, those people up front were able to see something that I couldn't see from back where I was sitting? Of course not. But it shows how crappy the movie is when your mind can even hint at such an idiotic suggestion.

RATING :  ZERO STARS

_____________________________________________________

BROOKLYN'S FINEST
a la The Flixter

        Okay, I know that this one is a little delayed but I figure that I should write something to let you people know that I am still around...

        This was a movie that I wasn't planning on watching. I went to see Alice in Wonderland. I got in line and just as my turn was about to come, the sign up above said that it was sold out. I had to see something, so I stumbled up to the counter and got a ticket for this one. It wasn't in 3D but something had to do... Oh yeah, I should be telling you about the movie and not my petty travails.

       So the movie follows three cops in a tough NYC precinct over a week or so. Sal Procida (Ethan Hawke) is trying to survive on a meager cop's salary. His house is starting to be a little too small for his family. The insulation is making his wife's health worse and then they get the news that they are expecting twins. They already have kids so Sal, trying to overcome his financial restraints, starts stealing money from the evidence lockers... Eddie Dugan (Richard Gere) is doing nothing. He has a week left until retirement and doesn't want to risk anything. So he basically drives new recruits around, shows them the stops, and looks away when he sees a crime in progress. Clarence Butler (Don Cheadle) is undercover and trying to get close to a drug kingpin (Wesley Snipes) so he can finally get the promotion to a detective. These are the three stories woven together under the direction of Antoine Fuqua. This genre seems to be his area of expertise since he did direct Denzel Washington to an Oscar with Training Day. And on this familiar turf he does pretty well.

       All the actors deliver some fine performances, with Ethan Hawke standing out as the cop forced to take some desperate actions that are bound to doom him. And you know that Gere's cop isn't going to go through the entire movie just laying back and awaiting retirement. Meanwhile, Cheadle delivers another strong turn as the one who may have gone further undercover than he was expecting. But the movie is a downer. Meaning that it is not a happy movie. How could it be happy given the three stories that are on screen?...    And its more depressing given that I had gone to the movies for a happy time in Wonderland.

RATING :  THREE STARS

_____________________________________________________

SHUTTER ISLAND
a la The Flixter

        US Marshall Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) arrives at the mental institution of the title, along with his partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo). The year is 1954 and it seems that someone has managed to escape from the institution. It seems impossible since the island is surround by frigid waters while the institution is surrounded by barbed wire and numerous armed guards... and getting through to those barbed wire and armed guards is a whole other story.

       The Chief Psychiatrist, Dr. Cawley (Ben Kingsley) is very proud of his facility. There is no way what happened could have happened. But it did happen so the investigation begins. However, Daniels knows that everything that is revealed to the two investigators isn't really everything. There are lies and not everybody is really cooperating as much as they seem to be. And then there are his own personal demons. Some involving his days with the Army during WW II. Those times bring about some flashbacks of the days liberating some concentration camps and the horrors faced over there. Plus there are the memories of his murdered wife whose psycho killer may also be an inhabitant of the institution... And there is a huge hurricane approaching the island.

       Sounds like a pretty intense package. And that it is. DiCaprio delivers a very good performance. Its just when the movie ended and the screen in front of me said, "Directed by Martin Scorsese," that I was caught off guard. Because the ending that had just happened seemed like it was from M Night Shyamalan. At least the type of endings that Mr. Shyamalan has started turning out since he can't match the whopper that put him on the map. Yes, its an ending that makes you go over what you have seen again and again. But its not an ending that should be coming from one of the best American filmmakers around. Fine, the movie is creepy and atmospheric. But what's with that ending, Marty?

RATING :  THREE STARS

_____________________________________________________

FROM PARIS WITH LOVE
a la The Flixter

        James Reese (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) wants his job to provide a little more action. And being an assistant at the American Embassy in Paris isn't quite doing it. So what would be the next logical step up? He is paired with a nutso CIA operative to track down some cocaine dealers/arms dealers. That crazy agency man would be Charlie Wax, a bad-ass John Travolta sporting a shaved head and some very bad attitude, complete with a proficiently profane communication style. Yes, that shaved head and appearance let us know that he is bad-ass even before he has opened his mouth. So how do the two get along?

       Pretty much like any other mismatched duo we have seen since Hollywood stumbled onto that format of pairings. Yes, they will argue and bicker endlessly but eventually come to the realization about how they cannot do without the other. So the race begins to track down the bad guys, as well as help Reese make amends with his disgruntled girlfriend, and find out where a traitor may be in their inner circle, and do it all within the movie's running time of eighty something minutes. Sounds like a fast escapist flick. Yes, there is quite enough action for that brief running time. There are gunfights, hand to hand combat, car chases, and a few explosions. But not much is good when you want to escape from what is supposed to be escapist to begin with.

       Did I mention that the movie is only eighty something minutes long? Yes, but when those eighty something minutes are occupied by banal characters and trite dialogue, it seems a lot longer. Which is how it seemed. Travolta is pretty annoying with his bad boy schtick and Meyers is annoying with his nice boy becoming bad routine.

      Hated it...

RATING :  A Half Star

_____________________________________________________

THE BOOK OF ELI
a la The Flixter

        The world is in ruins. Yes, again. But that's the way Hollywood likes it and I am not going to complain as long as it is staying onscreen. Anyway, this time the post-apocalyptic landscape has resulted from a religious war that has resulted in religion being destroyed and all the religious books a thing of the past. In comes Eli (Denzel Washington) making his way across the ruined landscape and heading west with a bag that contains a Bible which he is constantly turning to and won't let anyone lay their hands on. Yes, that book which is not supposed to be around any longer and whose possession will supposedly bring great power to its bearer.

      Fighting off marauders with his martial arts skill and a samurai sword, Eli ends up in a town of ruins being ruled by the always awesome Gary Oldman's Carnegie. Once he realizes what's in Eli's bag, he wants it because it is what is needed to control the masses. But, of course, Eli's not giving it up. He finds an ally in Mila Kunis' Solara who joins him in his journey west once they get away from Carnegie and his goons. And now the movie becomes a race against those guys and the action intensifies.

     Yes, this is a pretty kick ass action movie. There are some great fights and a stark landscape that is depressingly desolate. The Hughes Brothers (Albert and Allen) have directed a great action movie. Oh yeah, there's that twist at the end. Is it a good one? Honestly, I am not sure because I have just been thinking back since watching the movie to see if actually makes sense. Like the twist at the end of The Sixth Sense, it will either astound you or annoy the heck out of you. You may feel cheated and the entertainment value of what preceded that revelation may be lessened. Watch it and decide. I still haven't made up my mind. But I have to give the movie credit for delivering some great action, a depressingly bleak aura, and another great performance from Washington.

RATING :  Three and a half Stars

_____________________________________________________

SHERLOCK HOLMES
a la The Flixter

        Lord Blackwood (Mark Strong) is the satanic serial killer who finds himself on the gallows. Just before he is hanged and has his neck broken, he warns that his work is not done. He will carry on his tasks from beyond the grave. There will be three more deaths. The plank moves and a comatose Blackwood hangs before a crowd that is mulling over the words that he has just spoken. Master detective Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) and his trusty sidekick, Dr. Watson(Jude Law), get to work, investigating what is actually going on. Is the supernatural really involved or is there something more sinister going on?

        Yes, there are villainous characters besides the now deceased Blackwood. Good thing Holmes is a buff and tough fighter besides his mental intellect. Almost like an Edwardian Van Damme. Also tagging along is Rachel McAdams as the third do-gooder who has some street smarts and physical abilities besides her frail appearance. So how does it all work out under the direction of Mr. Madonna aka Guy Ritchie?

       The guy has been diverse. Diverse in the sense that he has directed some crap along with some classics. Swept Away would be the bad one meaning that maybe, just maybe, he is not too good at directing his Mrs. But Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels is the classic, though you might need subtitles to understand those thick British accents. This one is not on par with that but still fun enough, thanks in large part to Downey's interpretation of Holmes, which some true fans of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's detective might disagree with. But like I said, its fun enough and the ending leaves it open for the return of Holmes and Watson as there are rumors of a certain Professor Moriarty who, if you know something about Doyle's works, was Holme's arch nemesis.

RATING :  FOUR STARS

_____________________________________________________

AVATAR
a la The Flixter

        This review is a little delayed. Why? There's a bunch of reasons. I feel like crap, the weather sucks, and it doesn't really matter.

        Why doesn't it matter? Pretty much because there is no stopping director James Cameron's mega behemoth. If you are into this sort of stuff then you will be in line to see it. If you are not into this kind of stuff, you will just want to see what over three hundred million dollars will produce. Like I said, a mega behemoth. So here's a few more details.

        The year is 2154. Sam Worthington's paraplegic Marine, Jake is assigned to a moon called Pandora where attempts are being made to gain the trust of the native Na'vi people. Did I just call them people? Yeah, but they are not "people" people. They are your typical alien types... They also happen to be nine foot tall. So how is a paraplegic going to do the job? That's where the super high-tech tanning bed comes into play. Jake just lies in that thing while his mind controls his Na'vi counterpart. So his counterpart is on Pandora dealing with the Na'vi. Of course, complications ensue when he starts to side with the Na'vi and even develops some romantic feelings towards a female Na'vi named Neyetri. Loyalty begins to shift since Jake knows that all his people are interested in is what lies beneath the Na'vi habitat. That would be some precious thing which fetches millions of dollars. Basically, the humans are greedy and treacherous while the Na'vi are the innocents being exploited. Something like that.

      But the point is the $300 million eye candy. Yes, there is plenty of that. From the amazing looking Pandora to the awesome action. But Cameron has the vision and not the verbal skills. That means the dialogue is cheesy and the emotional material is manipulative. Yes, I thought the best part of Titanic was when the ship was sinking. No, I am not the morbid type but everything that had led up to that spectacle was super cheesy, even though the set details and designs were great. My only problem was when the people talked in that movie. Like I said, super cheesy and unrealistic. Which is the same issue here. A good movie that could have been a great one, if it wasn't for the director's verbal shortfalls and the need to manipulate emotions. He may think of himself as king of the world but there are some arenas that he has yet to conquer.

PS: Almost forgot to mention that its all in some pretty spectacular 3D. So you will feel like you just spent three hours in another world.

RATING :  THREE STARS

_____________________________________________________

THE BLIND SIDE
a la The Flixter

        The Touhys are a pretty well off couple. Rich is more like it. The husband, Sean (Tim McGraw) owns several fast food restaurants. The wife, Leigh Anne(Sandra Bullock) has a decorating business. She goes to country clubs with her equally rich friends while their son and daughter attend Memphis' finest prep schools. And then one rainy night, they find Michael Oher (Quinton Aaron). The boy is walking along the road and the compassionate couple pick him up. When they learn that the boy has nowhere to go, they bring him to their home. He becomes part of the family and the son even starts introducing the large black male as his "big" brother.

       His education is not too savvy and he starts going to the same prep school that the couple's kids were attending. Tutoring starts to work as he gets his grades to be decent enough to join the school's football team. To make a long story short, he becomes a star football player. Since the movie is based on a real NFL star, you know that there is a happy ending. I am very forthright when I say that the only time I watch football is during the Super Bowl. And even then its just for the commercials. No, I don't care about sports.

      So how did I like this movie that is so closely related to the game?

      I absolutely loved it. Because its not about the game. Its about someone getting a second chance thanks to the actions of another. Touching and moving would definitely be a way to describe this. My only fear was that I may end up crying during the film. But I didn't. Because, if anything, this movie is a celebration of humanity and what man can actually do, for himself and others. Bullock probably delivers her finest performance since she hopped into the driver' seat of a runaway bus in Speed. No, actually that wasn't it. What I meant to say was that it is her best performance since Crash. And McGraw is just as good as the husband who goes along with his wife's charitable act. Plus Quinton Aaron is great as the quiet giant who is trying to come to grips with his fortune and do what it demands. Loved it.

RATING :  FIVE STARS

_____________________________________________________

2012
a la The Flixter

        A government scientist (Chiwetel Ejiofor) tries to warn the President (Danny Glover) about impending doom... a catastrophe of global proportions that will likely wipeout humanity. Some things having to do with the planetary alignment are going to cause all kinds of hazards on the planet. Giant tidal waves. Check. Solar flares. Check. Flooding of Biblical proportions. Check. Earthquakes, volcanoes, and a lot of other bad stuff. Check. So preparations go underway before you know what hits the fan. And there isn't much time before it does. In comes divorced dad Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) who is trying to dodge some rippling highways to protect his kids along with the ex-wife and her new husband. Yes, he is able to dodge all the hazards. His goal is to try to get his people onto one of those planes that the government has dedicated to harboring the wealthiest, brightest, and the best. Does he succeed?

       Well, if he hadn't then this two hours and forty five minute movie would have trimmed the two hours off. So, basically, we see the earth getting obliterated in the most spectacular of fashions. Buildings topple, bridges collapse, and people perish, though not so explicitly since this is a PG 13 movie. Is that entertaining? Regrettably, it is pretty cool to watch all the destruction at first. The key words being "at first". But how much can you ogle the destruction when the running time is close to three hours? Yes, it does become about humanity's resilience after all the booms and bangs. But most of us movie goers went for the fireworks. And, yes, there are plenty.

       Director Roland Emmerich is very obsessed with the world ending. Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, and now this. The guy's gotta lighten up a bit. By the way, the year 2012 is the apparent expiration date on our planet according to those wise and prophetic Mayans. All I have to say is that if they were so wise, they would have seen the end of their civilization coming and done something about it instead of going into predicting more calamities.

RATING :  TWO STARS

_____________________________________________________

The Box
a la The Flixter

        James Mardsen and Cameron Diaz are a financially strapped couple in 1976 America. Things are tough and then there is a knock on the door. In comes a top hat and trench coat wearing Frank Langella. Adding to his mysterious demeanor is a badly wounded face that has some parts missing. He puts a box down on the kitchen table with a glass domed thingee inside. Inside the dome is a single button. He gives the couple a key that opens the dome. If they press the button, they will receive a million dollars cash. But someone, that they don't know, will die somewhere. He leaves and the couple is left staring at the box before them.

       The first question is if the surreal experience they just had is for real. The dome with the button is physically before them, so it must have been real. Is the guy's offer for real?... Only way to find out is to push that button. But what if its the truth? Pushing the button will take a life. Key is that it will be someone they don't know. But a life is a life. So they put the thing back in the box and return it to the guy when he comes back. Nah, just kidding. What kind of movie would that be? Not the kind coming from Richard Kelly, the guy behind Donnie Darko, the equally dark cult favorite which I have never seen despite many recommendations from people. So they push the button and the guy comes back to get the box back and give them the million dollars. And then things, instead of getting better, get worse for the financially happy but otherwise guilt ridden and miserable couple.

      But who was this guy? They start investigating and some strange revelations surface. Plus there is the thought of who will get the button box after them. It will probably go to someone they don't know and who knows what that could mean. Sounds interesting. But is actually not. I was very disappointed by this adaptation of a Richard Matheson short story. Boring and confusing is more like it. Makes me question if that Donnie Darko cult was worth becoming part of... Although I should give Kelly credit for giving a lot of attention to the details of the period. But I didn't go to see this movie for that... And Diaz, Mardsen, ad Langella are fine in their respective roles. But I didn't go for that either. I went to get entertained. And, frankly, Langella was more entertaining as Skeletor in that He Man movie, Masters of the Universe.

     In short, me no like. Plus there is the problem with these kinds of movies that have such an intriguing concept. Will the payoff and explanation make it worth it? No, not here.

RATING :  ONE STAR

_____________________________________________________

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
a la The Flixter

      Katie (Katie Featherson) and Micah (Micah Sloat) are a twenty something couple who have just moved into their own place in San Diego, California. Micah describes their relationship in a most appropriate fashion when he tells people that they are "engaged to be engaged." But their new place isn't so dreamy. Never more evident than when there are those eerie bumps in the night. Alarms are raised in the young couple when nothing is found to be responsible for those noises. But there is stuff that has been knocked out of its place or a window that was left shut but is now open. It just may be that the new place is haunted.

     A paranormal investigator is brought in but he leaves quick and tells the couple to do the same. But they can't do that, can they? How many horror movies would we have if the people involved acted sensibly? Exactly. But what Micah has done is put up cameras all over the place to capture the haunting as it happens. And that is what makes up this movie. Found footage from those cameras. Welcome to another variation on The Blair Witch Project. I never saw that one so I can't really tell you how it compares to that one. If its on par with that one then I am glad that I never saw it. Because this one is boring as heck.

     Yes, there are some revelations involving Katie's run-ins with the supernatural since an early age. But I was there for the scares. About the only thing that startled me was when someone in the theater let out a scream at what was just a curtain flying onscreen or something terrifying along those lines. Yes, the theater was packed by many who had come in expecting the most terrifying incarnation of scares since God knows when. When I talked to a few I met outside the theater afterwards, they seemed just as disappointed. But it was too late. The theater and the film makers already had our non-refundable dollars.

RATING :  ONE STAR

_____________________________________________________

ZOMBIELAND
a la The Flixter

      What happened? I have no idea. How it happened? No clue. But here's what's going on. There are zombies running all over the place and doing what they have been doing in zombie movies ever since they originated. Killing people, eating people, and getting more humans to join their ranks. We meet Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), a human surviving with a set of self-concocted rules. And then he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), another human surviving in a more simple fashion composed of killing the zombies with whatever is at his disposal, in case his ammo is not around. They join forces. Not because they start to get along but because of a simple belief in the safety in numbers theory. And they start making their way to a place safer than the Texas they are eyeing to abandon.

     In come a couple of female survivors. Two sisters, Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), who are more set on conning the male duo out of transportation than they are in joining them to survive. So now you have the threatening undead and conniving living. How does that sound for a horror movie?

     Well, I am sorry to tell you that this is not a horror movie. Its a comedy and has to be the funniest thing I have seen since The Hangover. Yes, its an absolutely great time like that one except that there is a lot more gore thanks to the involvement of the undead. Loved it. A great job by all involved. Plus there is a cameo from one of my favorite comic actors. Won't ruin it by mentioning who it is. Just go see it and find out for yourself.

RATING :  FIVE STARS

_____________________________________________________

THE INVENTION OF LYING
a la The Flixter

      Mark (Ricky Gervais) lives in some kind of alternate universe... That seems to be the only fitting description for his environment. Its a place where everybody tells the truth. Whatever is on a person's mind, gets blurted out without any thought about the consequences. And Mark, falling behind on his rent payment, becomes a messiah of sorts when he utters something that is not true.

      Falling behind on his rent, facing eviction, and with only three hundred dollars in his bank account, he tells the bank teller that he has eight hundred in his account. And, of course, he is handed the said amount because he has to be telling the truth. So he stumbles upon a Pandora's Box of possibilities that can come from a little fibbing. The girl he desires, Jennifer Garner's Anna, can be his even though she has told him to his face that he is fat, unattractive, and no genetic candidate for bearing any offspring. Plus he can give hope to the many disillusioned people who are walking about. When he tells them about a greater force, controlling the universe, that promises many great things in the afterlife, they follow him around eagerly, anticipating more revelations that only he is capable of receiving. Because, after all, he has to be telling the truth.

       So the movie becomes an allegory and the comedy dips into seriousness. Yes, I had a great time. Meaning that I pretty much loved it... but not all the way, though. Because it does get annoying at times when all these people are just walking around blabbering about what's on their mind-everything down to the most petty details. Which is far from telling untruths. 

      So the movie is more about an alternate reality where people can't keep anything to themselves than about one where they can't lie. But a pretty good time with cameos from Rob Lowe, Tina Fey, and quite a few others.

RATING :  FOUR STARS

_____________________________________________________

SURROGATES
a la The Flixter

      Its the near future. That's all I will say, since I can't really recall when the movie is exactly set. Anyway, in this future, humans have it pretty good. They just stay home, hooked up to their computery-things and guide their robotic alter egos to go around doing the banal stuff we know as living a life. Sounds good since they can do all kinds of stuff without fear.

      And then one of these surrogates is killed. Doesn't seem like a big deal since its just a robot that can be replaced. The only problem is that the human it was attached to also dies sitting in his chair. In come Detectives Greer (Bruce Willis) and Peters (Radha Mitchell) to investigate. But the two investigators we see are surrogates as well. The real people behind the duo are lounging around in their chairs at home. How to tell the difference? Well, the Willis character has an almost-goofy hairdo as a surrogate and is completely hair free in his true persona. So, of course, the investigations reveals a conspiracy that involves the corporation handling the surrogacy programs and people who are against the whole scenario, which they deem as an abomination of humanity. The first group involves the corporation's founding member, played by James Cromwell, while the second group is being led by Ving Rhames' Prophet.

     Yes, it definitely sounds like an intriguing sci-fi concept that dips into human conditions as well. But don't be fooled... It gets pretty tedious after a while. Yes, there are some cool action scenes but that doesn't stop the movie from being boring. There is some stuff involving Willis' character's strained marriage and a personal incident that has scarred the poor guy. But, trust me, you won't really care.

     Hey Chich, I am pretty disappointed in your man Bruce Willis.

RATING :  ONE STAR

_____________________________________________________

9
a la The Flixter

       Hollywood is not too optimistic about humanity's future. Which is why, once again, we find ourselves in a desolate wasteland which once was our home planet.  And, once again, it is man who is responsible. It turns out that we invented some mechanical monstrosities that turned against us. Most of the earth is destroyed and all that is left are nine automatons.

       9 awakens, finds a friend, finds a voice (Elijah Wood), and looses the friend to a mechanical beast. The quest for finding others leads him to a community of more like him, with numerical titles, who are under the supervision of an elder who refuses to let them leave the walls of their small community. That is how that elder (voice of Christopher Plummer) sees a way of keeping their sanctuary whole. But 9 convinces another to leave with him to go in search of the one that had saved him and given him a voice.

       They leave, danger is encountered, and another is found. This time its a female voiced by Jennifer Connelly. The job becomes to convince that elder to join them and fight to reclaim Earth from the roaming monstrosities. You can guess where this is headed. The battle is just as inevitable as the victors.

       The movie (animated and not a cartoon) is amazing to look at but boring to sit through. Thank God, it was only eighty something minutes. More would have been just that... More.   It is dark, depressing, dreary, and pretty boring. I expected some more escapism since Tim Burton is the producer. Well, I didn't get it.

RATING :  TWO STARS

_____________________________________________________

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
a la The Flixter

       Okay, there's a lot going on in this two and a half hour WWII pic, from writer/director Quentin Tarantino. Since the director loves to do films that don't adhere to a straight forward timeline, here is what is happening... not necessarily in the correct order. Shoshanna (Melanie Laurent) owns a small cinema in Paris and manages to catch the eye of a young German soldier. This guy is smitten with the beauty and unaware that she is Jewish. After a few too many brush-offs, he figures that a sure way to get close to her would be if he convinces his superiors to hold the premiere of their latest film about the greatness of the Nazis at her theater. The theater is chosen and a star studded audience, including Hitler himself, is set to attend.

       In the beginning of the movie we see a Nazi General question a French farmer about possibly harboring some Jews. The truth is revealed, the Jews in hiding are massacred, and only one young girl manages to escape. Yes, that girl is Shoshanna. Meanwhile, American soldiers, under the command of Lieutenant Aldo Raine(Brad Pitt) are on a mission to kill Nazis in a fashion as brutal as necessary to remind their target of the atrocities they have committed. Actually Raine commands his soldiers to deliver so many Nazi scalps a piece... Everything is set to converge at that movie theater where Shoshanna is planning her own revenge at the premiere as Raine and his troops are planning to get some Nazis at the said gathering. So there is much bloody violence (did I mention scalps?) as things get more and more tense.

      How does it all play out? Brilliantly, I have to say. Tarantino has an absolute ball with all the goings on. But let me say that the movie isn't all about blood and violence. There are moments of quiet that just amplify the tension. And there are instances that make even the loathsome Nazis produce a sympathetic figure in the form of that smitten soldier. And, of course, there's Tarantino's trademark dialogue. Plus scenes that are actually hilarious. In a movie with such heavy subject matter, who could expect hilarity. Loved it.

RATING :  FIVE STARS

_____________________________________________________

GI JOE: RISE OF COBRA
a la The Flixter

       Once again, Hollywood turns to a bunch of toys for inspiration. After Transformers, who can blame them? Dennis Quaid plays General Hawk who is going around recruiting people to join his elite military squad of the title. Their mission: bring down the ominously named and corrupt arms dealer, Destro, which is a "y" short of its mission. Among the recruits are young hotshots, Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, and Marlon Wayans. The training is abrupt since the mission is at hand. Seems that Destro may be in cahoots with the emerging villainous organization, Cobra, headed by the Cobra Commander and a bunch of skilled villains.

       The performances are outstanding. Nah, just kidding. They are your typical heroes and villains. Dennis Quaid is looking a bit constipated as Hawk. Tatum is the questionable candidate who must prove his worthiness. Does he? You guess. To describe the movie as being action-packed would be an understatement. It has to be one of the loudest movie-going experiences in my memory. It has an explosive beginning and the booms don't let up.... which made me categorize it as the silence of noise. Yes, so many decibels attacking the eardrums that the consistency makes it seems like silence. Which is why I actually dozed off. Yes, I did something that I have never even done during the slowest of movies. I took a quick nap, woke up, and realized that I had missed nothing...and I was a big fan of the cartoon show. This one was horrible though. Same complaint as Transformers. All action and eye candy. Nothing else. .

RATING :  SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ZERO AND ONE STARS

_____________________________________________________

FUNNY PEOPLE
a la The Flixter

       George Simmons (Adam Sandler) is a super successful stand-up comedian. Well, doing stand-up isn't the only reason for his riches which include a huge and luxurious mansion. He also branched out into movies, making some hit movies. But he lives a single life and bad news is just around the corner when he is diagnosed with cancer. He takes Ira Wright (Seth Rogen) as an assistant and confides in him about his predicament... Ira is also a stand up comedian. But he is the struggling kind, desperately trying to land a gig while holding a job. So when George takes him as an assistant, it helps out both. George can use some help while Ira can learns some things about succeeding in comedy.

      Meanwhile, George reconnects with the love of his life, Laura, played by director Judd Apatow's wife Leslie Mann, who is happily married to an Aussie tough guy (Eric Bana). He, by the way, is away a lot, which makes this reconnection more convenient. So is this latest from Apatow, a comedy destined for a tragic out come? All I will say is that its a Hollywood movie starring a fan favorite. You think it over.

      What I will say is that the movie has some hilarious parts, quiet a few of them at the expense of George's doctor, a thick accented Austrian type. Yes, the movie made me laugh out, loudly and embarrassingly, a few times. But those few times don't seem to count too much when you are talking about a movie that is two and a half hours long. Overall, though, the movie is a decent trip with both Sandler and Rogen delivering some decent performances. Sandler, in particular, seems to be trying to distance himself from the goofy roles that made him famous. Good but not on par with what is, in my opinion, his best dramatic movie, Punch Drunk Love. That was a movie that I loved, which I can't say for this one. Not a bad movie. But one that tries to fit into two genres and can't quiet fit into either one too comfortably.

RATING :  THREE STARS

_____________________________________________________

Orphan
a la The Flixter

       John (Peter Sarsgaard) and Kate (Vera Farmiga) aren't exactly such a perfect couple. She is a recovering alcoholic and he has been guilty of some adulterous behavior in the past. But they are a well to do couple, living a quiet existence in a luxurious house with their son and daughter. All seems fine but they decide to adopt another child and head to a local orphanage.  They both decide to bring Esther (Isabelle Fuhhrman), a very mature 9 year old, back home. She seems perfect. Quiet, mature, intelligent, and with a gift for piano. But you know walking in where this is headed.

        Yes, Esther, with a fondness for dressing drab and being constantly dour in mood, has a sinisterness that goes beyond her outward appearance. As soon as she enters her new life, things start happening. No, not good things. At school, she is made fun of for her appearance and wardrobe. At home, her adoptive siblings aren't too kind... actually, just the brother. He's a jerk while the sister, a hearing impaired innocent, eyes her suspiciously. So accidents start happening to those who mocked her at school and a few deaths occur in her whereabouts.

        Like the film's tagline states, there's something wrong with Esther. What exactly? That's what the new mom and dad try to find out, as they try to trace her origins. Things don't look so good. Gory deaths accompany some fake scares along with genuine ones. When I say genuine scares, I don't mean stuff that will really scare you. I mean stuff that doesn't end up being wind blowing or tree branches scraping the window. And it all comes down to the final revelation. Is it a whopper of a revelation? I have to admit that it did catch me off guard. And that is a huge compliment considering the fact that horror movies seem to have done it all. This one is unique, if not a little too far-fetched.

       I liked it. When I told someone who had no intention of watching this movie, they laughed their ass off and called it ridiculous. But, like I said, I was okay with it. Over all, the movie isn't too bad. Tense and creepy with some decent turns from its cast. Would I watch it again? I doubt it.

RATING :  THREE STARS

_____________________________________________________

Brüno
a la The Flixter

       The man behind Borat is back and hoping that people being duped into believing his new persona won't recognize him. Sacha Baron Cohen is passing himself off as the ostentatiously gay Austrian super model of the title. The comedy comes from the way he deals with people who believe his charade and he brings famous people into his dramatics. Such as American Idol hostess Paula Abdul who sits down with him believing that he really is who he says he is. Then there are his attempts to make himself more appealing to the American people. He will do whatever it takes. Start a charity? Sure. Adopt an African orphan? Why not. The former is a charity that will raise money for Darfur. The later is a small boy that he gives a traditional African name, OJ. Yes, the antics outrage the audience at the talkshow where he is announcing his charitable nature. The audience doesn't know the truth. We do. Are we outraged? No. We are just laughing at the antics and the reactions that they generate. Actually, I wasn't laughing. I must have smirked a few times. Is that a bad sign? Definitely, since Borat was one of the most hilarious movies in my recent memories. This one is just so stereotypical in the kind of reactions that it generates. The religious ones that want to convert him and the prejudiced ones who want to ostracize him.

      Yes, there are some good parts that shine a light on society. Like the people who want to sign over their kids at whatever cost as long as it brings them some fame. The movie had me amazed. Amazed at how it managed to get an R rating. Yes, it is that outrageous, and sometimes a little too gross. But it did not make me laugh like Borat did. Like I just said, only a few smirks. Hopefully, the next charade from Cohen will be closer to his last effort.

RATING :  TWO STARS

_____________________________________________________

PUBLIC ENEMIES
a la The Flixter

       It is safe to say that Johnny Depp may be one of the finest and most versatile actors around. Come on, who else can go from playing the lead in a movie series inspired by a Disney theme park ride (Pirates of the Caribbean) to a movie about Depression era bank robbers? Well, I don't want to think right now, but that is where he finds himself. Depp is John Dillinger, a bank robber who's mission is to just clean out the vaults of these symbols of excess... as he sees them. He just wants the bank's money. First, there's a nicely staged prison breakout in Indiana. Then its off to robbing banks which puts him on top of J. Edgar Hoover's most wanted list. But robbing banks isn't the only thing on this young outlaw's mind.

      He is also busy hitting the nightclubs and spending his ill-gotten riches. That is how he manages to find a love interest in the form of a hat check girl. Billie Frechette (Marion Cotillard) enters his life wearing a very inexpensive dress. As soon as they hit it off, Dillinger flowers her with gifts that had been way beyond her means. The romance between the two is realistic and makes you long for something that will change the inevitable. Christain Bale is FBI agent Melvin Purvis, who is bent on bringing Dillinger in. So that is about it. Dillinger robbing banks, romancing Billie, and dodging Purvis.

      The 1930s setting is detailed and beautifully rendered. Director Michael Mann does a fine job of staging the robberies and gunfights. But somehow the movie still manages to be a little boring. Maybe it was the very late showing that I went to that made me a little sleepy. Or maybe it was the stretched out periods of actionlessness. Anyway, if you want to check out some of Depp's finer outings, go rent What's Eating Gilbert Grape or Benny and Joon which, in my opinion, truly show his acting abilities. Good movie and fine acting, just a little boring.

RATING :  THREE STARS

_____________________________________________________

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
a la The Flixter

       My cousins, big fans of that Michael Bay guy, went to see this one for the midnight show on Tuesday. I could have gone but I had an early appointment the next day to get my monthly shot. And its not just because the place where I go is about an hour away. I also had to get up early and get cleaned up so I could look presentable to the prettiest doctor the Garden State has ever seen. If that sounds like I have a crush on her, you are sooooooo wrong. Anyway, I ended up going on Thursday night.

      So it was me and my three legs in the heap of fan boys there to see a bunch of robots fight it out in the middle of a few humans. By the way, my third leg is a cane, or Forearm Crutch that I am forced to use now after a few too many falls (check out Confession Time for details). So dump any perverted thoughts you had about my third leg. Well it was my FAC and I, there on last Thursday night. Though I have noticed that if I call my crutch by the abbreviation of my own design, a lot of people take it as me mispronouncing a profanity.

     Was I there for the robots or that hottie Megan Fox? A little bit of both, I guess. If my talk in this review is making me sound like some horny young guy, let me correct you. I am 31 and don't consider myself young. Anyway, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has to leave his beloved Mikaela (Megan Fox) and head off to college. Plus he leaves his Autobot guardian, Bumblebee, at home. But things are not going to be that simple. The evil Decepticons are still after that Allspark thingee which is going to help them destroy the Sun and Earth. So the noble Optimus Prime, leader of the valiant Autobots, re-enters the picture. The evil Megatron is after Sam because he has some symbols imprinted in his brain that will lead them to what they seek.

     How does that sound for a plot? Well, its more of an excuse for director Michael Bay to unleash all sorts of mayhem on his home planet. Does the movie deliver? If you are looking for action then there is enough for a couple of movies. But to my jaded old ass, it got to be too much. That happened right around the point when I stopped giving a damn about the fate of either party involved. Yes, at a running time of two and a half hours, it just seemed like all there was on screen was eye candy, either in the form of special effects or Megan Fox. And all that eye candy made me feel like a diabetic eating Sugar Daddies. So, no, I didn't like it. The first one was decent and maybe because Steven Spielberg was present as a producer. But his name is not attached here except for his studio, Dreamworks, being behind this FX atrocity.

RATING :  ONE STAR

__________________________________

YEAR ONE
a la The Flixter

       I don't know if the title truly applies to the setting of this pre-historic comedy. I mean, it could be year two or three. Who knows? But let's talk about the movie.

      Zed (Jack Black) and Oh (Michael Cera) are two cavemen who are banished from their village. Well, if they are living in a village, then they are not really cavemen. So let's just say that they are two prehistoric guys who are booted from their village. So they embark on a journey to not only survive and prove that the world isn't flat, but to also start their own village that according to Zed, as he departs the old place, will be ten times better. But things are not that easy because its not just the wild life that proves to be threatening. Its their basic ignorance of what is out there. But they do happen to run into some historic (or Biblical) figures:

      They see Cain killing Abel. They meet Adam as he questions his son about the missing sibling. They meet Abraham as he is about to sacrifice his son. They learn the whereabouts of Sodom and Gomorrah. The ill reputation of those sister cities makes them head their way. Did I mention that while these things happen, we have already witnessed Zed tasting some poop that he has come across and an upside down Oh pee over his face? And there is some humor involving flatulence as well. But that doesn't matter as long as its making you laugh.

       I think I sat through this entire movie without ever cracking a smile. Oh wait. I think I did smile once but I have really forgotten what that was about. Maybe it was the end credits starting. Yes, the one in the title could also describe the amount of funny bits in this movie. What disappointed me the most was that this movie was directed by Harold Ramis, who, in my opinion, directed one of the funniest movies of all time. Yes, one of my favorites, Groundhog Day. He even makes a cameo in this embarrassment. I am so disappointed in you, Mr. Ramis. Maybe The Hangover has elevated my standards for comedy really high. Or maybe this movie just stunk really bad.

RATING :  ZERO STARS

__________________________________

The Hangover
a la The Flixter

        It starts off with a phone call. A call made to a bride-to-be, who is about to have the to-be removed in less than 24 hours. The call is from one of the groom's friends, three of whom headed out to Vegas with the groom, for a wild bachelor party... Well, the call isn't such good news. It turns out that the groom, Doug(Justin Bartha) can't be located. Yes, the three friends woke up in a trashed hotel room that does contain a chicken (don't ask) and a tiger (really don't ask) but no Doug. As pieces are started to put together we find that the bride to be, wasn't too crazy about Doug heading out to Vegas with three friends that she considers immature and trouble. I guess she was right since a hangover isn't the only thing that their night of partying yields. There's also a wrecked Mercedes Benz, a ticked off bunch of Asian gangsters, and a not too happy Mike Tyson. Yes, that Mike Tyson.

        As the pieces continue to come together, we start to see what actually took place... Oh, I almost forgot to mention one other thing that they find the morning after. A baby in the closet. Yes, a live human baby in the closet. It sure sounds interesting. I mean, the kind of work that went into producing such results. Is it?

       I have to say that I absolutely loved this movie. Its the kind of thing that director Judd Apatow has become famous for. A raunchy and mature comedy with just the right amount of immaturity. But the auteur here is Todd Phillips, whose Old School was just okay in my opinion. This is by far, one of the best times I have had at the movies in a while. The cast is great. Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Zach Galifianakias bring their own brand of individuality to the diverse trio of friends. Galifiakias has to be the scene stealer as the man-child of the group who may be the team's only chance at some financial salvation thanks to his Rain-Man like qualities. Oh yeah, did I mention that one of the four also wakes up to find that he got married the night before? But in the midst of all these shenanigans, let's not forget that the hunt for the missing groom to be is also going on. Loved it...

RATING :  FIVE STARS

__________________________________

Drag Me To Hell
a la The Flixter

        As an LA loan officer, things seem to be looking promising for Christine Brown Alison Lohman). She has a charming boyfriend in the form of Dr. Clay Dalton (Justin Long) and she may just have impressed her bosses enough to be considered for the next promotion over an over ambitious co-worker... And then Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) comes to her desk looking for an extension on her home loan. The old gypsy has already been granted extensions and doesn't seem to be able to catch up on her delinquent payments. What to do?

       Christine could be a good human and grant the old lady an extension. Or she could deny the extension, impress her bosses, and get that promotion. She gives the old lady the extension. The old lady is happy, gives Christine her blessings, and Christine lives a happy life after marrying her beau. Just kidding. What the heck kind of movie would that be? Not the kind with Evil Dead maestro Sam Raimi at its helm. So Christine denies the extension and the old lady, feeling disgraced and humiliated, places the curse of the Lamia on Christine.

       Yes, the curse works wonders as Christine life turns to hell as things start going from bad to worse. And there's the promise of eternal damnation in Hell itself after a few days. Seemingly losing her mind to everyone around, including her boyfriend, she tries desperately to reverse the curse. Even seeking the aid of a seer (Dileep Rao) whose eventual diagnosis is that Christine is pretty screwed if she doesn't take certain steps... And she does take those steps, but are they successful?

Raimi's return to his horror roots. But what had be disconcerting was the film's inhibiting PG-13 rating. Couldn't expect any mayhem of the Evil Dead caliber. But there is the constant state of dread throughout the movie and a state of panic as Christine rushes for a reversal before its too late. However, there are a few too many fake scares. The ending is a beauty, though...

RATING :  FOUR STARS